flute_song

I have no words.

Wed, 23 Dec 2009 23:01:08 GMT

That's a lie. My subject. Total lie. But I'm going to keep it short because words cannot describe this feeling.

I'm so done. I can't handle it anymore. I have to stop loving Emily. She's messed with me too much, and in the end, she never did feel anything for me.

I'll link this, and then leave. I can't do this anymore.

http://i7.photobucket.com/albums/y275/mimi_cat3/SDC18179.jpg

She loves you, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Mon, 21 Dec 2009 03:39:48 GMT

I totally forgot about my LJ for a little while. My bad.

So. To update the world on the Emily story .. well I actually don't really know where I left off. I suppose I should recap a little.

Emily and Ellen got back together, if I didn't already tell you that. Of course they did. How could they not? They're inseparable.

Things got to the point to where we would text all the time, mostly about sexual things. I mean, it was mostly flirting and joking around. I suppose we both got pretty flustered. Emmy wasn't getting much relief from anyone/anything because Ellen was still at school. It went on for a few weeks.

One week at GPYO, she sat on my lap and I wrapped my arms around her. I really wanted to let my hands roam .. but I didn't think it would be appropriate. After rehearsal was over, she texted me and told me she wanted me to go further.

And so the texting continued for the next two weeks. I was at a pasta party on a Monday night for swim team .. and we were texting the whole time, of course. We were talking about how I should come over her house so we can just hang out. Which of course would lead to other things, even though they were unspoken. I told her I just had to kiss her again. She said, before GPYO tomorrow?

So when I got to the school for rehearsal, I kind of expected a little making out before rehearsal, but it didn't happen. Instead I had her sit on my lap again, to try again at second base, if my confidence allowed. I didn't quite do it, but I did graze over them a few times. She once again texted me that she wanted me to actually do it.

After rehearsal, I always go over to the side of the room where she puts away her bass clarinet and wait for her to finish putting it away so I can hug her. So I put my things down as usual, and waited. When she finished, the room was empty, that I could see. So I hugged her. I still wanted to kiss her, so I backed up but didn't let go of her. I looked in her eyes, and then down at her lips, and I didn't have more than a millisecond to think before she assaulted my mouth. She kissed me twice before she let go. So I picked up my things when it was over, and turned around to say goodbye, when I saw one of the other bass clarinetists, Collin. His face said, "Woah, she's a lesbian!" He looked kind of scared. I thought it was cute, but I also felt a little bad for him. :D

So things were pretty good, but she didn't like the kiss again, I'm guessing. She said my mouth was too open. But what can I say? I was completely shocked that she attacked me like that :] Things were still pretty intense for at least a day afterwards.

Then Ellen came home. Emily stopped answering my texts. I think she feels guilty about kissing me again, since she's still with Ellen. Everything's just become so complicated.

She did said last Tuesday that she still wanted to kiss me, and do things with me. We'll see if she has completely changed her mind this Tuesday. When Ellen's involved, normally she changes her mind so she only has eyes for Ellen. Which I suppose isn't a bad thing, but I hate that she always has to get in my way.

Blahhhhhhhh, why do things always have to be so complicated?

..Why the fuck did I just quote an Avril Lavigne song? Oy..

And so the forgotten were denied once more.

Fri, 06 Nov 2009 18:14:03 GMT

Hey !!

You'll never guess what I founddddddd. *squee*

My Hermione/Ginny Tonks/OC oneshot! Yeah ! I found it in an old backpack and remembered why I had lost it. Remembered where I had taken it to, more like. And so I read over it and realized there are a few bits I need to change in the beginning, because it just seems so out of nowhere. Which I suppose, for a pwp oneshot, it's supposed to be that way. But it makes me feel awkward .. so I'm changing it :]

I forgot how good I was at writing sex. *meep*

Now all I have to do is find my Fred/George oneshot .. I really have no clue what happened to that one.

Not sure I mentioned this before, but I got my wisdom teeth out this Tuesday. I don't remember the surgery, but I do remember not being able to walk very well and crying for no reason when they woke me up. Oh, and it hurts like a bitch now. The pain medicine they gave me to use just made me yark my guts up so I stopped taking that and moved onto the ol' trusty Motrin instead. Although at the rate I'm going I'm going to overdose on it. You're only supposed to take 6 a day unless your doctor says otherwise .. and today I've already had my six. And it's wearing off. I don't feel like going through more pain today like I did last night when it wore off. I was crying because it hurt so bad.

Stupid Motrin. I should be allowed to take as many as needed. :P

Otherwise, I'm in a good mood.
I watched movies all of yesterday with Sarah. We watched Hairspray, Rent, and Edward Scissorhands. We had three others picked out, but those three took a long time, actually. She was over my house at about 11:40, and we started with Hairspray. Then went onto Rent, and ended with Edward, and it was about 6:30. Then we went to Wendy's so I could have my craving of the week (a double cheeseburger with lettuce, a frosty and fries), and it was damn hard to eat it and it hurt a lot to put it in my mouth, but it was still tasty. Then we came back to my house and we played piano for a bit, looked at a few YouTube videos, and then she went home. It was a pretty good day. Minus the Motrin wearing off after she left and I was stuck watching Shallow Hal by myself and my mouth was like, I HATE YOU, YOU DAMNED ORAL SURGEON!

We still love you. But you won't have a future.

Sun, 18 Oct 2009 05:58:57 GMT

Soooo. My life is just turning out to be the most wonderful thing in the world.

My parents found out that I'm bisexual. No idea how. Like really. No idea.

But today when I was practicing they came downstairs, Bible in hand. And instantly I knew that they had found out somehow.

My mom gave me the run down of why she hasn't been speaking to me, because apparently I've been "emotionally abusing" her. Psh. She said if I keep doing it, that she'll never talk to me again. Like wtf? If you're so emotional, go see a fucking therapist. But oh, wait! She already sees one cause she's so fucking messed up anyway.

And then she went on to say that I'm going to be taken out of the competitions that my flute teacher put me into because for some reason they think I'm not committed enough to my instrument. PUHLEASE! You don't see any other person in Hamiltrash going as hard for their instrument as I am. Number one, I made it into region band. Number two, I'm the best fucking flutist in the entirety of flute camp, and the marching band. I take lessons. I practice.
But ohhhh no, apparently I don't practice nearly enough to get into college. HA! I mean. I guess I sort of agree. But excuse me for being involved in other things! Like hello. I was doing marching band shit ALL DAY today. What would you like me to do, stand there during performance and practice my pieces? Yeah, okay. I have swim team. I have two jobs, which you forced me to get. I do the spring musical. I'm in National Honor Society. WHAT ELSE DO YOU WANT FROM ME? I'm just so sick of them complaining about how I never practice. I practice for four consecutive hours on Thursday. Yeah, no committment. Yeah, no committment my ass!

Then she laid it on me. She gave me the Bible and told me to read some verse. It said the following types of people don't get into heaven, blah blah blah, and the last type of person was a homosexual. And I thought, oy. Here we go.

She said that maybe she thought I was going through a phase. Or maybe I wasn't. She said she had been stressing about the thought of me being bisexual all week, and that she had taken the idea to her therapist AND MY PASTOR. I'm like great, now my pastor knows. Not that it's any of her fucking business and THANK YOU MOM for telling her. She doesn't need to know my business. She's not a priest. I don't need to confess to her. And then she goes on to say that if I choose to pursue this type of lifestyle, that her and dad will refuse to support me. Financially, that is. So, no money for college, no car, no flutes, no nothing. They said if I choose this, then the day I turn 18 they're booting me out the door with my bags and no money. Then she said, we'll still love you. But we won't support you. YEAH OKAY YOU'LL STILL LOVE ME. Love does not include kicking someone out to starve and die.

Why can't I have accepting parents? Shit, my mom doesn't even act like a Christian anyway, so here she comes with her hypocritical self, shoving Bible verses down my throat. They can't accept that maybe I believe a few different things than they do. They can't accept people that are different than them, especially not their own daughter.

Like seriously .. if they were real Christians, they'd accept and love me for who I am. You're not supposed to take every word in the Bible literally either. Like .. say the Bible tells you to fast for 40 days like Jesus did. YEAH, GOOD LUCK WITH THAT WHEN YOU WITHER AND DIE.

It's like they want me to be an exact replica of them. They don't want their reputation ruined. They want their children to be perfect and completely non-controversial.

It's not fair.

I shouldn't have to change who I am just for them.

I am so so so so so sooo pissed.

Sat, 17 Oct 2009 04:07:53 GMT

So. I had an interesting week.

Monday .. Emily broke up with Ellen.

Tuesday .. I kissed Emily after rehearsal.

Wednesday .. she said it was a bad kiss.

Thursday .. she told me what I could do to make it better, and that she's having an orgy on Halloween.

Today .. she got back together with Ellen.

Just fuck my life. Seriously. Like .. I don't get how Ellen can even put up with it. I mean. I wouldn't want my girlfriend sleeping around with other people. That's just whore-like.

I don't get it. I really don't.

I mean. I want to kiss Emily again. But I don't want to if she's with Ellen. It's wrong.

I love how I fall for people who are completely bad for me. All I ever do is get rejected and turned down and messed with and I just end up hurt every time.

Yeah. I just went online tonight and found out they're back together, even though Emily said that they might get back together IN A FEW YEARS. Yeah, try a couple days.

What I don't get is how she can go around and kiss/sleep with other girls while having a girlfriend. Sometimes I wonder if Ellen even knows.

Honestly, I don't even know what Emily sees in Ellen. First off, I'm turned off by the fact that Ellen is not pretty. Not to me, at least. Second, she's a total nerd. Like, anime nerd that's all hyper nutso all the time about her stupid characters. Ugh. Third, she's off at college and they hardly ever see each other.

Maybe I'm just jealous. I don't even know anymore.

Emily just confuses the shit out of me. I don't even know what to do about it.

I mean. Emily offered to give me anything I want, except a relationship. Well OBVIOUSLY she can't give me that now. Not that she even wanted to in the first place. But like. I want her for more than just the physical stuff. But if she doesn't want me for that, then I don't know if I even want to continue with her offer anymore. Maybe one bad kiss was enough to tell me to stop.

I just hate how I believe that someone is perfect, and then I find out all the bad stuff about them. It happens EVERY. FUCKING. TIME. Like .. Emily was so great until one, I found out she had a girlfriend, and two, had a harem. Like .. ew. People just don't do that. Apparently a lot of girls like Emily. I don't know why she entertains them. I don't know why those girls like her. I'm starting to see that she's not even close to perfect at all, regardless of what I thought about her before.

Why can't I just find a nice, single, normal person?
Why do I have to find the ones that seem flawless, but really aren't?
Why do I always get rejected no matter what?
Why do people always assume I'm only in it for the sex? (When actually I've never even had sex!)

That's just .. it. I'm moving. I want to move to NYC. Or no. You know what. I want to move to Oregon. People are just so much nicer there. And more simple, normal, every day kind of people. Instead of this complex, extremely strange people I seem to fall for.

I can't even really explain clearly the way I feel right now. I want to slap Emily. But I want to kiss her. And then I want to titty twist her. But then I want to stroke her hair. But then I want to kick her in the vagina. But then I want to hold her hand.
UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

I thought up a good subject for this last night. Now I don't remember.

Wed, 07 Oct 2009 22:20:23 GMT

I'm just going to put down two journal entries that I wrote yesterday.

10.6.09 Tuesday. 9:31am.

So.. Emily knew all along. Yep. Not that I was really surprised or anything, but I am embarrassed. I mean.. I must be INCREDIBLY awful at hiding my feelings. She did say, however, that she likes it when people are in love with her. Kind of strange, but then again who doesn't like it when they know someone likes them? :] And she likes my hugs so that's a score right there. :] I can't wait to get one today. I miss her as soon as I go into orchestra every Tuesday. -shrug- (We're in wind symphony together, but she leaves when I go into orchestra rehearsal for the night.)

When we were texting about it I said, "nothing would happen even if I was in love with you" (before I admitted it, and nothing would happen obviously because she has a girlfriend). She answered, "maybe. I like your hugs." ..So that was kind of like .. WOAH. She confirmed a little bit that if she wasn't with Ellen she would consider me. But yesterday online I asked her hypothetically if she wasn't with Ellen would she want me .. and I got an answer of "I really don't know." -shrug- At least she likes my hugssss. ^_^

I don't think I even stopped loving her when the GPYO season ended last year ... technically in June. I think she stayed with me and now it's as strong as ever. I wish I could just kiss her to see if I felt anything.

...What the hell am I saying? No shit I would feel something. Because she's perfect.

There's just one problem.

I'm sure anyone smart can figure out what that is.

And I feel AWFUL about wishing they weren't together. Like the worst person in the world. I feel like Ellen should slap me a lot so I would stop. She should hate me. I kind of want her to hate me so I'm not so on the edge about this.

I haven't really thought about doing anything intimate with Emily until now. I can't stop thinking about kissing her. A lot. But not like the kissing with Dennis, where it was only lust. I love Emily. I think it would be a lot different. It should be anyway. If she wasn't with Ellen and we could kiss, I feel like she would love me back with her mouth. Weird to say, but you know what I mean.

**

10.6.09 Tuesday. 11:39pm

Well.. actually being with Emily tonight wasn't so bad.. it was when she left that things got worse.

When I got there I went potty .. and found her in the hallway when I got back. She said "hey!" and I said "hey" back. I felt really awkward, but I let her have her usual look into my eyes to tell what I was feeling and then I sat on the floor (it's how she reads people, apparently. I dunno, it's what she told me). She texted me and asked if something was wrong because it seemed like I felt awkward. I answered back with, "I do feel awkward. I feel embarrassed. I don't know what to do. I want a hug. I dunno." And then we went in for rehearsal and she texted me back saying, "it'll be ok *hug*." I basically felt like crawling into a hole. More like a bottomless pit. But then rehearsal started and I felt better.

But then it was over. And I wanted it to last longer so I wouldn't have to say goodbye AGAIN, for another week. So we put our chairs back and she put away her bass clarinet... grabbed the rest of her stuff and I put mine down for the hug. I gave her the puppy dog face. We hugged. I held on tight .. tried not to look too much into it since Mr. Warshafsky (our director) was standing RIGHT THERE. Not that he would care .. ANYWAY. I think last week's hug was better. I got to bury my face in her neck and held on tight. This week was a faceful of shoulder. I hope she felt my emotion though.

I just wanted to grab her around the waist, hoist her up so she could wrap her legs around my waist, carry her out and kiss her. Really badly. But it wasn't like lust. It was just .. I really wanted to show her just how much I love her.

The car ride home - and my mind was filled with thoughts of Emily. How she loves someone else. How I might never be with her, but how much I can't bear not to be. It was just raw emotion .. bad thoughts. I wanted to cry. But I didn't. I want to show her how it could be with me if we were together.

When I think back, I don't think I really LOVED Kate Campbell.
(A story for another time, LJers.)

But I'm positive.

I love Emily.

<3always, Molly Anna.

Just focus on the music.

Sun, 30 Aug 2009 02:30:12 GMT

Well, my bad for not writing for like, ever. And my bad for using awful sentence structure like that. :D

So I seem to be losing all my HP fanfiction notebooks. First I lost the one with my Ginny/Hermione&Tonks/OC one-shot. I was PISSED when I lost that one, cause I thought it was really good. I hope I find that one sometime.. maybe if I actually clean my room xD

I lost the one where I started writing down ideas for a Fred/George one-shot. I can't win.

Although, looking back on old entries, I don't seem to have much luck at all.

I got two jobs. Just started training at one, and am already working at the other. I made twenty-nine dollars in tips at my waitressing job, but I already spent it. Oh yeah, real money-savvy, I am. HA. I think I'm just going to have to put all my money in my bank account, because if I keep it on me, I'm going to spend it all. Oy.

Just a random fact, but I always heard that trying to get through the Lord of the Rings books is really hard because they read like a dictionary, but I quite like reading them. I just got into the fourth chapter of the Fellowship. I know it doesn't seem like much but those chapters are quite long. There's a lot that they left out of the movie. Like Frodo is fifty on the day he leaves to start his quest. FIFTY. What an oldie. :] Plus, you know how when Gandalf leaves, after Bilbo has left, to go find out about his ring? He doesn't come back for like, nine years in the book, but it seems like he's back within the next few days in the movie. I dunno. I got as far as to where Frodo is just about the leave the Shire. In the book, I mean.

Another random fact - Hanson is going on another tour this fall even though they didn't come out with a new album just yet .. and the closest they're coming to where I live is NYC. And the day they're coming to NYC is four days BEFORE I get my license. Once again, just my luck. So I don't get to see Hanson until they either come out with their new album or go on a different tour, when I actually HAVE my license. My dad refuses to take me to any more of their concerts, because of all the screaming girls. Which is funny, because he got me tickets to a Jonas Brothers concert [which by the way I had to sell the tickets to someone else for, because I found out I had something to do that day. Once again. My luck.] .. and there's a shitload of more screaming girls there than there would ever be at a Hanson concert. Like, thousands more. Anyway, the tickets he got me were really crappy seats anyway. No loss really. I'll see them some other time. When I have my license, I suppose. Oy.

I still have summer homework to do. I have to read Beowulf and keep a journal while I'm reading it .. my thoughts and questions about it, etc. I also have to finish my vocabulary units and write a college essay. Ugh. I have a week left to do that. Woo.

Well .. it can only get better, right? I mean, it's senior year. My luck has to turn around some time. Hopefully soon. I've just never really had any luck. Not really ever, now that I think of it. Maybe it's finally time to get some.

The sun shines out of your ass.

Fri, 17 Jul 2009 02:08:38 GMT

Um, wow. I really haven't been on in quite a while. Understandably, I've been away for about two weeks. And before that .. well, y'know. My mom forbade me to even get online. Now she set up a password to keep me off her computer, but I am allowed on my dad's. So it still works. She could have told me I was allowed on his a lot sooner, and I wouldn't have been away for so long. But yeah ..

Actually I leave again on Saturday morning. Early Saturday morning, at that. I have to be at church at 7:30am. It's totally beat. But I'm good with it cause I can totally sleep in the van on the way there. Well I'm getting ahead of myself .. not even saying what it is. I'm going on a mission trip called ASP, or Appalachia Service Project. It's when a group of high school kids from my church get together and go to an Appalachian state (Virginia, West Virginia, Kentucky) and work on people's houses. This year we're headed back to West Virginia, to Mingo. :D I'm really excited this year, because I'm one of the oldest there. It's cool to be one of the big kids sometimes. It surely won't be the same without some of the older kids who now go on the college ASP trip, but it's fun all the same. I'm actually friends with everyone that's going this time so it won't be like last year. Last year I wasn't speaking to two of the girls that went because they told me that they weren't Christians, which I didn't think was all that great, considering they go on all the church trips. Hello, church + non-Christian doesn't really make sense. Y'know what I mean? I felt like it was an insult to our church. But now it's all good and we're friends again. I dunno why .. I guess cause they're just all around fun girls. I'm over it. They can be whatever they want, as long as they don't trash talk it around me. I really hope I get a fun family this year, along with a great work crew. You see, for work crews they never put you with your friends or family if they can help it. So I've never been with any of my friends in a work crew really .. but now it doesn't even matter because I'm friends with everyone now. A work crew like Sarah, Erin, Tim, Eric and Karen would be AWESOME. My family last year was pretty sweet. They had an 18 year old girl named Sherry, and she was like my sister for that week. I still talk to her. She was the best. It would be really cool if we (my work crew and I) could get someone who's a really good cook this year. My brother .. when he was still in high school and went on ASP, got a lady who would cook lunch for them every day, and apparently she was damn good at it too. I want that. That would be amazing. :D

After ASP .. actually, the day that we get back is the day that flute camp starts. I'm so stoked for camp this year. It's like the best thing ever. Hell, all my summer camps are the best things ever. But flute camp is just so ... freaking awesome because I get to play my flute at ungodly hours of the night and morning. :D I get to play it for like, 3/4 of the day. Minus, of course, when I'm sleeping. And we go into Princeton and go to the Princeton Record Exchange store and get ice cream and all that great stuff. And I always get a solo every year, meaning I'm always in the masterclass. I'll be the oldest this year, and so apparently I'll be the best one there. Hopefully. I don't wanna be outdone by a younger kid. Hahaha, that's mean .. but still. I love getting a new piece and having Jerry (the masterclass teacher and also my teacher's teacher) help me with it for the recital on Saturday morning when camp ends. It's just a week filled with the thing I love most, flute. Well okay. Maybe not most. I love Jesus the most .. and that's what poco and ASP are for. Oh whatever, I just love summer !

Anyhoo, I'm still working on my oneshot, and I definitely need to start working on a chaptered fic. I try so hard at those, and they just never work out. But I'm determind to make a good one. :] It's on my bucket list. Not even kidding.

<33

Even though life sucks, it gets better sometimes.

Tue, 09 Jun 2009 20:33:14 GMT

Still technically not allowed online, but Mom's out for a long while :D

Here's another I wrote, wrote this three days ago. Shit, it was that long? ..Doesn't feel that long. Anyhoooo...

Saturday, June 6, 2009 10:49 pm

Tonight was probably the best night I've had in a while. Mom is still giving me the silent treatment, but I really don't care because it makes her look very childish.

I don't even care that I missed the TobyMac concert at Great Adventure.

Yes, it was that great.

GPYWS is now my favorite thing in the entire world and I'm on such a high right now that I don't even care that we don't commence again until September.

So I showed up at Princeton University and I don't remember exactly what part, I'll look at the program again tomorrow and write it down [[Richardson Auditorium in Alexander Hall]]. Right, so I got there about a half hour early, as usual, and just kinda messed around on my flute. Then Emily showed up and my heart just kind of decided it would jump right out of my chest and start dancing its happy dance on the floor behind her feet, following her. Okay, maybe that's a bit dramatic. But I just felt so much more relieved and happy when she got there. She waved and went to put her stuff down and take out her bass clarinet. She came back over to me, smiled and started putting the neck of her clarinet onto its body. She pulled out her reed case and asked me to pick one out for her. I chose the one on the bottom right.. it looked the nicest (ahem, cleanest :D). Then ensued the casual small talk, hey, how are you, what's up .. y'know. Then she went to go pratice with one of the other clarinetists, and I followed after 30 seconds or so. I just wanted to be near her. I just kind of stood in front of them, who were seated, and listened. Then I went back to where I was before and started playing some. I went back to the rack where my purse was to text Desiree, and I talked to Moon Chang and Kelly and their friends for a little bit. I went back and forth quite a bit because there was nothing else to do, really. It got pretty hot in there so I followed Chang out the doors I was standing next to. It wasn't much cooler out there. -shrug- I tried to look pretty in front of Brian who was out there, who was glancing at me every now and then. And I got bored again so I went back inside and played Hungarian against the wall by the doors. Then I went over to Kelly and Chang again to tune up. And then Mr. Warshafsky called us over. He asked me to get Emily and Ray, so I did and went back. He told us to be in that same corner by 7:30 pm. Then I went back to my phone. No answer. Then I just stayed with Chang for a while. Then we got called outside, instead of in that corner again. Mr. Warshafsky told us how Tuesday is a day he really looks forward to because of us. He wished us luck and told us some stuff to do when we were done, which was to hand our music in, and pointed to me and said, "Especially you," because I only had one song, Galop. xD He's so funny.. gotta love 'im. Anyhoo ... He told us to be ready to go in ten minutes, and then we went back inside. I went and got my folder (with one song in it) and went back up the stairs by the doors again. A bunch of kids were in a circle, playing a slapping game. It was pretty funny. All of a sudden Emily was next to me again and I felt really good. I kept watching and eventually she went back to where she was before again. Then I decided to join the game, so I put my flute and folder down. When I was watching before I joined, the slapping of the hands sounded really painful. But the first time I got slapped it really didn't hurt. My skin on my hands betrayed that saying when they immediately started turning red. I only got slapped like, four times. I was really good at the game. I slapped really hard :D and the other kids said it really hurt, hah. :] And then it was the wind symphony's turn to go on and perform. We all gathered in t hat little corner again and started up the steps toward the stage. We waited for a strings group to finish and made fun of this lady who told us to smile in this weird way and who was wearing way to much perfume. I don't think I've laughed so hard in a while. After a two movement song, it was our turn. We took a seat, me next to Kelly since I use her music. And then we tuned to the oboe, Laura, Then Mr. Warshafsky came on and we played the first movement of Third Suite. Love it. Then he spoke to the audience. The group that performed before us came in on the balcony and were really noisy so we waited for them to sit. Then we played Elsa's Procession, which I also love .. it's so pretty. If I ever get married I want it to be played as I'm walking down the aisle. To finish we played Galop, which is probably my second favorite symphonic piece ever. Behind Symphonic Dance No. 3, of course. When we finished, Mr. Warshafsky bowed and walked off stage. We stood and the audience clapped like crazy. Mr. Warshafsky came back and that's when we took our leave. I left quickly cause I wanted to say goodbye to Emily if she was leaving. I stood next to her by the rack with our stuff as we put our instruments away. I finished before her, so I went and sat in a chair that was next to her as she cleaned out her clarinet. We talked a bit. When she was done she sat on the floor, so I put aside the chair and sat on the floor facing her. We talked and texted. She looked to see who I was texting, which of course was Desiree. Then she pulled out her phone and started texting Ellen. I knew it was her girlfriend, but I asked who it was anyway, just to be nice, I guess. She didn't say too much about her, except that she's a senior and that she's going to miss her a lot when she's gone. Emily told me she doesn't think she'll (meaning herself) be able to deal well with a long distance relationship. I told Emily about what happened with my parents, conveniently editting the part where I needed emotional support because I found out she has a girlfriend with, "because a girl I liked turned me down." HA. Then she asked me if I wanted to go somewhere. I asked where and she said, "Starbucks or something." I said sure, so I grabbed my purse and we headed outside. I told her I knew my way around because of flute camp, and decided to take her to Halo Pub instead. I proceeded to tell her the story of last year's trip to town during flute camp, with the guys that kept yelling, "tits" at me. When I got to the "jackass" part, I said "when they came around on their bikes again they screamed 'TITS!' and we screamed 'JACKASS!'" And I actually really yelled the words. Then started laughing and said, "That was kinda loud," and Emily started laughing histerically. I love how she actually laughs at me and my stupid funnies. No one else does. Then I asked where Ellen's going to college, ends up she's going to some school in Philly. I asked Em if she thinks they'll be okay. I got a "I hope so" as my answer. Then she asked me if I was sure I knew where I was going. I said "nope!" and we both laughed. Then my left ankle practically gave out and she caught my arm. She asked if I was okay, and DUH, I was okay, because she wouldn't let go. She linked her arm through mine as we kept walking. It was so nice. Then I was bold and went down and grabbed her hand and started swinging it so she wouldn't think it was awkward. Then we stopped swinging and just held hands. She told me that tomorrow is her and Ellen's five month. -facepalm- -shrug- Whatever. Then we rounded the corner back to the street where the campus is and she let go to wipe her hand off cause it got clammy. Then we held hands again down the rest of the street, until we had to cross. Then we ran across the street and back onto the campus. I grabbed her hand again and said, "I haven't held anyone's hand since last May. This is nice." Then she smiled at me and we walked back to the concert hall. She let go before we went back inside. We walked back down into the basement where we were before we left, and it was completely empty. We sat down on the little couch next to each other. She took her shoes off and I pulled up a chair so we could put our feet up. I was really sweaty so I pulled out my perfume and sprayed myself once. She said, "I probably smell bad too," when actually she always smells really pleasing. Not like flowery or fruity or sparkly or anything, just like herself. She smells nice. She asked to see my perfume and put some on her wrist and smelled it. She liked it. I got bored so I pulled out all my cubes. She messed them all up and I started solving them. When I finished my 2x2 and 3x3's, she would take them and mix them up again. When I finally realized she was doing that, I said, "Hey!" and she started laughing really hard ^_^. We talked more and I repeatedly said I didn't want to leave. The last group's music started playing over the speaker, so I knew I still had time left with her. At one point she started giggling at a text she got. I asked her what it said. She said, "asodfiasdnoaufdos I love you." I didn't quite catch the first couple words. Then she started to answer and I peeked over and it said "I love you too." I wanted to gag and cry at the same time ... but I didn't. I told her we just HAVE to hang out this summer. She said, "we'll find a weekend." Then the concert was over and we went upstairs together. I followed her and met her family. Then they were about to leave so she did that awkward smile-and-wave thing. I rolled my eyes and said, "come here" and pulled her toward me. We hugged and I patted her back a little too hard I think .. I was just trying to seem casual. As I let go I looked her in the eyes and said, "call me, okay?" and she 'smiled-and-thumbs-upped' this time. -sigh, facepalm-

Like I said, it was the best night I've had in a while. A long while. I don't remember the last time I held hands with someone I legitimately liked. Her hand felt wonderful.

Hell, everything about her is wonderful.

Screw that she has a girlfriend. I really don't care. I can still be her friend, and I can still like her. I'm not hurting anyone or anything :]

"Isn't she lovely ... isn't she wonderful ..." ^_^

<3Always, Molly Anna.

Tue, 09 Jun 2009 19:47:15 GMT

So, since I wasn't allowed online for the past few days, I couldn't post this the day I wrote it. So I'll put it down now.

Wednesday, June 3, 2009 3:38 pm

Yesterday was kind of a roller coaster. I had an okay day at school, and then I had a really good time with Emily at GPYWS, and then a really crap night. Well, technically before GPYWS rehearsal. When I got there she waved and had Starburst and we were just talking, casually. Then she took me to the cafeteria and bought me some Starburst and we were joking and stuff. Paid her back though. I took a couple good looks at her and I decided that she's actually really cute. So, naturally, I flirted. I kinda felt like she was too. When we were just hanging around in the choir room before our rehearsal, we talked about music and she tried to figure out my flute. I went to help her but she already got it and said, "I got it, my ex girlfriend played flute." I nodded, smiled and said, "Oh!" Then she proceeded to talk about something else, but I could only think about how my feeling about her was right, and that she is gay. Which was a good thing for me, seeing as how I think she's really cute. So then I sat down in the chair that was facing her, backwards, legs spread, and listened to her talk some more, until she finished. Then I asked, "Did you come out to your family?" And she said, "Yeah, I did." Then I asked, "Was it hard?" She said, "Yeah, but I knew I had to. I wrote them a note," and she started laughing. She talked some more, but I wasn't really listening. I was gunna come out to her, since I owed her that much personal info after what she shared with me. When she finished talking again, I said, "Yeah, it's hard for me too. I can't tell my family. Granted, I'm only bisexual, but still, it's difficult to deal with sometimes." When I finished talking, she remarked, "I have such a good gaydar!" Which I took to mean that she had a feeling about me too. After we assessed this I got really shy and flirty. I couldn't help myself. I kept looking her in the eyes a lot. She has really, really pretty eyes. I don't remember what color they are cause I just got lost in them. And after that, the kids started filing in from the band room to start rehearsal. She had to move her chair then, after she seemed really excited to sit next to me. -shrug- I felt like we had a connection. Since I first saw her, the first rehearsal I came to, I noticed her and I just knew she had to be gay. And she looked at me a lot too, that first rehearsal. :] I put my phone on her leg last night, with a New Contact window open so she could put her number in. She gave me her phone too, so I could give her my number. I really thought we had hit it off last night. In our conversations she mentioned that she had a Facebok, so as soon as I got home, I searched her name. Her block came up and I friended her. Then I clicked to see her profile. I scanned starting from the top until I hit something that really hit me.

She has a girlfriend. :'[

So, I kinda got really, really bummed. I texted Kalila and Katie about it. Kalila immediately started insulting me. I don't get her. Kate gave me some advice, but I blew it off and proceeded to rant some more. So she argued with me too, but we worked it out, cause she's actually reasonable, unlike Kalila. In the end Kate actually did help me. I talked to Desiree about my arguments and not about Emily. I'll talk to her about Emily soon, I know she'll understand. And then I cried before I went to sleep, cause two or three slaps in one night really hurts. Today I feel kind of worthless and stupid, but I'll get over it. It's quite hard for me to be just friends with gay/bi girls. Really, really hard for me. :/ I guess it's because it's very seldom that I find them, and I want them for myself before I lose them.. but they never want me :[

<3Always, Molly Anna.
</3 Emily.

Gpysy.

Thu, 04 Jun 2009 01:55:41 GMT

This is a sestina I wrote for English class, and my parents both liked it a lot so I decided to post it here, to see what everyone else thinks.

Gypsy

My life, my passion, my future, is music.
It's in my blood, and in my cards it's written.
It's the only thing I know, it is my love
And behind it I will always stand.
Sports are not my thing--only music will I play.
Music is as precious to me as a diamond ring.

When I practice, my sound throughout the house rings.
I relish in the fact that my sound is pure music.
I never know just how many hours I'll play
Or how many moments it'll take me to get something just right.
There is much paper on my metal stand
On which is displayed the notes I most love.

There is one melody in particular in which I fell in love:
The Hungarian Pastoral Fantasy, which has such a lovely ring.
It personifies a gypsy who stands
In the street, playing her music.
She, herself, did take time to write
This enchanting chorus which she now plays.

Every time I hear this song, when I play,
I immediately fall back in love
With that wonderful tone that I express just right.
I envision the gypsy dancing in a circle, a ring
Of butterfly footsteps, enacting the music.
I find it hard while playing this to only stand.

As the song progresses, I cannot just stand
Still, I have to sway while I play.
I have to move, and enact the music
Just like that gypsy who expresses the melody which I most love.
The pages of this song I treasure like a diamond ring,
And I bless the man who decided to one day sit down and write.

I finish off the beautiful last note just right, still standing.
The last note ringing throughout the room in which I played.
My heart belongs in this kind of love, a love dedicated only to the world of music.

Writer's Block: Licensed to Drive

Tue, 19 May 2009 05:09:36 GMT

Should we just be handing over the car keys when kids turn 16? Why or why not?

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I'm 16. I believe I'm not as dangerous as everyone makes out most teenagers to be. If they are simply taught correctly, and are supervised ALL THE TIME while in the car, there really shouldn't be a problem.

I think I'm an okay driver. Sometimes I go into my turns a little too fast because I'm not used to my brakes yet, but I will with time. I also don't really like driving in the right lane because there are sometimes parked cars right next the right lane. I hate driving next to parked cars, because my car leans to the right a bit. It makes me nervous. I don't want to lose another side view mirror because of getting too close to parked cars without realizing it. -shudder-

If Music Be the Fruit of Love

Tue, 19 May 2009 05:01:56 GMT

So as usual, I find myself up late once again. I have no life .. well, my life is this dog-gone computer. LOL. Sort of. Most of my actual friends are online. Is that like .. really awful? -shrug- Whatever. I mean I have lots of friends that I see that are also online, but like, I met them in person before I talked to them online. ......I dunno. Nevermind.

Found myself watching Kyle again. I love his voice. -giggle-
This is the most recent vid of him.

Just My Luck.

Tue, 19 May 2009 01:15:15 GMT

So, guess what, LJ world?

Kinda knew that it was going to end up this way but ..

Kevin has a girlfriend. Yep. Just my luck, right? When a guy is so absolutely perfect, he just has to have a girlfriend, right? I mean, who could resist someone so perfect?

Sigh. Oh well. Guess there's nothing I can really do. I mean, just like eerisedda said, I can't just be like, "Oh, I hope they break up so I can have my chance," or whatever. That would just be really selfish and wrong and awful .. I can't wish that on him. He's so wonderful. I don't want him to hurt .. I just.

This bites.

Saving's What I Need.

Sun, 17 May 2009 06:06:40 GMT

I've been sitting at this computer since about 4 pm today. I officially have absolutely no life whatsoever.

What have I been waiting for you ask? It's more of a who, than a what.

I've been sitting here with my Facebook chat window open, waiting for Kevin to log on.
Of course, he didn't log on. As usual. I dunno how long I have to wait for this guy.

I talked to my friend Jeff about it, who's really interested in other people's stories and whatnot, and who is really good with advice. He was really encouraging and thinks this "lover" that Kevin's friend was talking about might be me. I'm not so sure about it, but he convinced me that it is a possibility. -shrug-

Jeff told me that as soon as I find him online, I should talk to him and get his number so I can at least have a life, that doesn't involve sitting at a computer for half a day. I can just text him instead. :] Jeff is wonderful that way, so helpful all the time.

So I guess I have to have no life until I see Kevin online again .. and hopefully the next time he does log on, it won't be for only a minute or two, and we'll actually have a meaningful conversation.

Y'all have no idea how much I like this guy. He cannot be put into words. He's beautiful, and just .. perfect.

Passion enfused into five hours.

Sat, 16 May 2009 21:10:27 GMT

Today was the second annual Flute Day in South Brunswick. ^_^ I went to last year's too .. it was a lot different last year.

This year we had a small warmup, a masterclass, lunch, and then an improv class with a little recital for the little ones afterward for the parents to watch. I think last year was more fun .. sorta. I knew more people this year so that was a perk.

I really liked our masterclass. Six of us went, I think. It was Carlee, George, Phoebe, Cathy, Vanessa and me. Yeah, six. In that order. The teacher had nothing to say to Carlee, because it was her audition piece for college that got her into Rutgers-Mason Gross. :] George .. needs some work still. Cathy was really good, as always :] Few things the teacher said .. blah blah. Vanessa needs work too, but she's really awesome for only playing for two years. And then when I went the hour was over and everyone else started coming back into the auditorium so I played for more people .. and the teacher didn't say much except that I was really, really great. ^_^ I'm glad someone appreciates my interpretation of the Hungarian. I love that piece, so much.

The recital was pretty pointless for us high school flutists .. we watched the elementary schoolers play their little pieces, then the middle schoolers, and then we played Carnival of Venice with the middle schoolers. Then that was it .. -shrug- I don't really care, I just really was glad about the masterclass.

And about Kevin .. he still hasn't come online. -facepalm-

Friday nights are lifeless.

Sat, 16 May 2009 03:40:26 GMT

Life still sucks, cause Kevin STILL hasn't come back online. -headdesk-

And my poor baby Desiree just found out the most awful news about her Bus Girl :[ I feel so awful about that whole thing. I just want her to be happy.

I suppose my story is the same as Eeri's .. only my guy .. I guess I haven't really seen him since freshman year, and we didn't know each other then. The only way we communicate now is over Facebook. I know, I'm pathetic. But how else am I going to talk to him if he's at college and I'm stuck here??

And .. I just found this lump .. in probably the worst place possible. And I can't get my face close to it so I can't really tell what it is. This is pretty bad. I'm kind of worried. I wonder if I should tell my mom .. but I reeeeally have this irrational fear of gynos. -shudder-

Envy and Sorrow are Out to Get Me.

Fri, 15 May 2009 23:36:09 GMT

It just so happens that my life sucks. :D

So the whole Kevin thing is so not working out the way I wanted it to. After four days of really wanting to talk to him, he finally came on today. For about, two minutes. As soon as he logged on I FB chatted him up .. all energetic and excited to finally be talking to him again. We talked for a minute, but he seemed pretty distant. I tried to keep the conversation going but he didn't answer with more than a three word sentence. It kind of annoyed me, I'm not gunna lie. [And yes, I spell "gunna" with a U. Get over it.] So I just kind of asked him, "You really don't like talking about yourself much, hm? :]" and he just answered that he was unfortunately a little busy at that moment. -headdesk- Then he just asked me if it would be cool if we talked later. I, of course, said it was cool, even though on the inside I was like APSDOFINJERAWOFYUINEJOWQFDA I JUST WAITED FOUR DAYS TO TALK TO YOU AND YOU'RE JUST GOING TO COP OUT LIKE THAT GAHHHHHHH AOPSDIFUAOPSDFNOIJ!!!! I changed my status to "No, it's not cool. I miss you."

Even though I don't want him to see it when he comes back on .. I kind of do, too. I just .. I know I seem too attatched already but what can I say. I really like this guy.

Oh, and besides all of this, I was looking at his profile this afternoon and I saw a comment from one of his girl friends. NOT GIRLFRIEND, KAY? Good. Just so that's understood. Otherwise, why the hell would I like him if he had a girlfriend? My problem is, the comment read along the lines of "We should go get some wings again, I'm in withdrawal. You could bring lover along too. She might be in need of some wings." And that kind of says to me that "lover" might be the girl he likes. Which SUCKS because I really wish that "lover" was me instead of some other lucky fucker. I mean .. maybe he gets my "I like you, a lot," vibe and isn't mentioning her because of it. I really wish I could figure this out, it's eating me from the inside. T_T

Life, Love, Sorrow, Contentment .. etc. :D

Fri, 15 May 2009 01:51:37 GMT

Hello LJ world ! :D I'm Molly and I'm 16, and as you can tell from my username, my life is based on music and classical performance. Flute is my passion. I take lessons every Sunday (that isn't a holiday) and I've been playing for about almost nine years, but not quite. I don't think of myself as a really awesome flutist, but I'm getting better as I go along. I definitely don't practice as much as I should .. but eh, when you're in high school, where's the time, really? When I get to college, my life will be allllll about practicing, it'll be all I ever do .. considering I'm going to be a performance major and performance majors have to be REALLY good to make it. I'll minor in music education to make my parents happy and for some security .. y'never know if you'll have a job or not in the music industry. Unless you're like a music teacher at a school or an instrumentalist in a top notch orchestra, like the New York Phillharmonic, you don't really have a regular salary. My flute is my baby, and my car .. well, it's worth what a car is worth xD

...Speaking of cars, I have one of those too. I have a '99 Honda Accord and it's forest green. I love it <3 My loverly parents bought it cheap and in great condition. I don't have my license yet, I'll get it in October. I'm not getting my license on my birthday because at my school, after you take simulator you have to do a take home simulator exam, and I put off doing that forever. I finished it in um .. March or April or something like that. Then I took behind the wheel, drove around for two weeks with an instructor during my lunch period, and after that he gave me my permit to get validated at the DMV. Of course it took my loverly parents a couple weeks to actually have time to take me .. and I finally got it validated on April 18th. So I go for my test for my license on October 19th. Six months. Really not that long .. but it sucks that I won't be able to drive anywhere this summer without my parents. T_T

I'm online a lot .. maybe that's why I don't practice as much as I should xD Shh, don't tell my teacher. ^_^ Anyhoooo .. I go on YouTube a lot just to listen to some good old fashioned flute music played by kids my age. When I was doing this about six months ago, I came across some videos of a kid named Kyle, my age of course, and he was REALLY good. And through YouTube, we've become good friends, and I've become good friends with his best friend, also an accomplished flutist. Both of them have been playing for less time than I have, but they practice like crazy so I don't take offense to that. xD I plan on meeting them both (plus two of my idols, James Galway and Nina Perlove !!!!) at the NFA Convention in NYC this year ! :D Yay. I'm so excited for that. I still have to register .. man. I should really get on that...

I'm pretty good at algebra, if I don't say so myself. ^_^ I like it. I find it more simple than basic subtracting and dividing. Man, I hate basic math. It annoys the fuck out of me.

I am a C. I am a C-H. I am a C-H-R-I-S-T-I-A-N! Woooot. I love that song. Jesus is theeee man. I go to camp every summer, IYPC. The kids call it poco, because it's at the Pocono Plateau .. in the Poconos :D It's only the most wonderful camp EVEREVEREVER.

Besides my other camp, flute camp. How predictable, right?? But yeah, that's where I met my teacher. It's also held at my momma's alma mater, Westminster Choir College. Gorgeous campus. If they had instrumental studies there, I'd soooo be going there for college. -sigh- Oh well.

Ohh! That reminds me. I'm going to be a drum major for my marching unit next year, senior year ! Eeeeeeeee ! It's friggin' awesome. I don't have to wear ugly baggy pants anymore, that make me look like a man, with a man crotch. -shudder- I get to wear a purdy white flowy skirt and purdy white boots! Yeeeeeee! And I don't have to march forever and ever during band camp, oh man. It's gunna be great. The only bad parts? I have to leave halfway through my vacation at the beach to go to drum major camp which is unfortunately mandatory. I also have to miss the first two days of NFA because of band camp. -Sigh- The sacrifices I make for that stupid, awful, crappy band .. I better get some major recognition for my sacrifices :D Teeheeeeee.

I also made the New Jersey Region II Symphonic Band this year. It was AWESOME. The kids there were all spec-freaking-tacular instrumentalists, and it made me so happy to be around people who actually take music seriously. -sated sigh- Wonderfulness.

I'm also in the Greater Princeton Youth Wind Symphony. They're fun, too :] We rehearse every Tuesday, and we have a concert next weeeeeek<3 Next year I have to audition again for entry, and I'm gunna audition for the Symphonic Orchestra too. I would have auditioned for the Orchestra this year, but they didn't have any spots for me. It seems that they always have too many flutes. -shrug- Next year :]

I wanna go to either Rutgers-Mason Gross or Westminster College for .. college :] I would have LOVED to go somplace like Juilliard, since the school is absolutely WONDERFUL.. but I can't afford $45,000 a year. I'd be bankrupt even before I got there. Not to mention how much debt I'd have when I graduate.. -shudder-

Naturally, I wanna live in New York City after I'm done with college. :D I love NYC. It's so beautiful, even with the smog and all that jazz. I'm obsessed with Broadway, and there's just SO MUCH artistry in NYC. It's where I belong. <3

I'm on my school's swim team. I guess I'm not really that good .. -shrug- I swim long distance .. for instance, I swim the 200 m and the 400 m races. That would be eight laps for the 200 and sixteen laps for the 400. I love it. It's not like all-out-kill-yourself in two laps, like the sprints are. Blech. I hate those. I might be a captain next year .. but I kind of doubt it. -shrug- I dunno. I don't really care about being a captain for swimming, I'm just happy enough to have gotten drum major.

I write fics. Well, I try to anyway. Eerisedda is my beta for everything. I have never actually posted anything online, because I don't finish my fics xD Most of the time they end up going nowhere and I give up. At the moment I'm writing a Hermione/Ginny Tonks/OC PWP, and I'm intent on finishing it. I also tried starting another Harry/Draco, but it doesn't seem like that one will work out either, cause it "lacks a sense of realism" or something like that. Maybe I'm bad at reality in general xD

I also LOVEEEEE American Idol. I try to watch it as much as I can, like when I don't have Wind Symphony rehearsal on Tuesday nights. :D I'm excited for the finale next week. I want Adam to win. I wanted Danny to win since I first saw his audition, but the stupid American people voted him off. Dumbfucks. Kris is too much of a pansy for me. -shudder-

I also love Harry Potter, Twilight, Princess Diaries, Lord of the Rings, Star Wars, Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants, Edward Scissorhands, August Rush, Hairspray .. I could go on forever with the list of movies/books. -sigh- ^_^

And, at the moment, I'm in love with this guy that I first saw during my freshman year. His name is Kevin, and he's a poet/short story writer. ^_^ He's so sweet, and polite, and classy, and old fashioned .. and simply perfect. He's adorable and I can't get enough of him. I try to talk to him online as much as I can because I never see him anymore. But yeah I just recently started liking him, so all I've really had a chance to do is talk to him on FB chat. I already invited him to my church's open mic next month so he can hear my flutinggggg, and so we can actually be together for a little while, instead of only conversing over the Internet. -sighhhhh- I can't wait for that.

Well, I think this is quite lengthy enough for my first bloggeroo. Yes? :]